Saturday, October 15, 2011

life unedited: funeral to photo-shopped Christianity

Every moment in life is an opportunity to learn and grow, and sometimes the very things that we're begging God to teach us can be found in the most frustrating aspects of life.

Among the many lessons I've been slapped in the face with over the past few weeks and months, is the fact that too often as Christians we put on a happy face, 'photo-shopping' our lives by editing out all the bad things so the world can see seemingly perfect followers of Christ. But as an Air1 DJ wrote in his blog last week, we need to remember that our stories aren't complete. We're not at the end, so it's OK to admit that we're not in a good place right now. So, here's to blogging again. This time, a collection of honest, unedited thoughts.

What started out as a prayer for humility several weeks ago has led me through some of the most frustrating and draining days ever, and I've never felt more uncertain of my choices before (which is saying something for someone as indecisive as me).

All my life I've been a paranoid perfectionist. I cried the first time I couldn't beat my older brother at a video game. In school I would rip out a page of notes and re-write them if they were too messy. My closet is color-coded. I obsess over things until they're just right, and would rather inconvenience myself than disappoint someone else.

The class I'm currently taking to further my education is beating me. As a straight-A student, I'm frustrated to no end with the fact that this class, the one thing I thought I wanted to do with my life, isn't coming easily to me. Despite my best efforts, I'm not living up to the student image I built for myself in my undergraduate career. On top of that I feel burnt out and pulled in a hundred different directions. Between working with a Church on campus, leading a small group, and getting involved in youth group, any chance to relax with my close friends is the only sanity I have left.

I'm sure that God is telling me to let go, but knowing so and doing so seem miles apart.